in retrospect

levels
every action
reaction
etc
etc

climbing a ladder to higher consciousness
trying to gain knowledge
insight
euphoria
etc
et

i remember the feeling
one person controlling an entire field of bodies
a mass of minds moving together like liquid
they all reflected the thoughts connected to the hands pulling strings/turning knobs
much like the ocean reflects the sky

and i thought: i would like to be the sky

you can find me buried in smoke (or something)

11/29/17 - a poem

is this paranoia part of me or partly me
addicted to reconfiguring myself
so i can’t stop pulling myself apart

i wonder who i am and what makes me
every minute of the day
until an echo chamber takes shape in my mind
churning back and forth the idea of
“what this is”

calling upon every version of myself
chasing each other from door to door
traces of my selves smudge the corner of the frame
and they find each other
to rebuild my self

upon reaching whatever destination they desperately journey to

constantly

 

zzz

i forgot how to write

i used to write constantly. i have a box under my bed filled with small black journals detailing all the moments i wanted to remember vividly - good and bad. when i was 22, i started writing a memoir. i got 40 pages in and stopped working on it when i started getting serious about DJing and music production. i don’t feel like i swapped passions or anything. writing was a release in a very different way than music. my writing was overly self-indulgent. reading it all now, it feels like i was trying to take my emotions and slam them over someone’s head. writing with specific people and feelings in my mind so explicitly. using my writing as a form of confrontation and/or (lol) dialogue in the form of a monologue when quite honestly, i just wanted those people to hear me while refusing to listen to them.

there are lots of problems with this type of release, for me. it shuts people out, it gives them the wrong impression, it feels selfish. i might be reading too deeply into it, but in retrospect, the way i used my art as a method of communication was dangerous. again, for me. i meant all the words i wrote when i put them to paper or typed them into a blog post, but i simply didn’t need to share them. they were mine to understand and no one else’s. my ex-girlfriend didn’t need to read about me falling out of love with her, just like my ex-boyfriend didn’t need to read about how i thought his rape jokes stemmed from a low IQ. my regret was in oversharing. like my last few sentences just now - they are regretful… but that’s the only way i know how to write.

the really wonderful thing about writing music instead of words-
the absolutely incredible thing about stringing sounds together instead of letters-
the best part about this new release-

is that no one will ever misunderstand me again.

because there’s no room for discussion when we’re all listening.

rebrand #003

i know third time isn't a charm with these things. i'm sure in just a few months, i'll take a look at all of this and think it's either too much or too little and wish i could tear it all down and start over again and maybe i will, but i likely won't - i'll just change my logo and update my website and release a new song and take down some old ones and suddenly i am a brand new artist. or something like that. 

please don't misinterpret this. i don't think evolving a project is pointless because if i really felt that way, i wouldn't start any art projects to begin with. what i do think is pointless is the notion that i should pigeonhole myself into a specific style or branding or genre or hashtag. banking on any project blowing up is silly, so why follow a formula that isn't even 100%? i had a really interesting discussion with a couple music producers via a fb group chat about streaming services and playlist curators being the gatekeepers of "emerging" talent. it is nearly impossible to keep up, to follow formula, to "succeed," when the ways in which a musician can succeed are constantly changing and evolving with new technology and growing audiences/users. formulas do exist, actually. in the form of algorithms. you can wait to get lucky and blow all your cash into marketing your product. you can watch other "budding" producers and try to trace their every step hoping you'll end up on a similar path. the whole cookie cutter thing might work in some way, but you will likely find yourself stuck and unable to change course. if all your life you've depended on creative outlets to express yourself to remain sane and satisfied, then you absolutely must know that you will not be genuinely happy or fulfilled by attempting to clone other artists' paths and creations. if all you care about is a check, you won't be getting any checks for surface level art unless you're cutting other people checks to get there in the first place. 

anyway, the fact is you need to create something or you'll go absolutely mad. so make that thing and fuck the algorithm. build an experience and build a community. if it is coming from somewhere real, people will catch on. maybe not as fast as you'd like, but if you're that impatient about the success of a project, you likely don't really care about the project itself anyway.

take joy in what you're working on and toward, simultaneously.
otherwise, yes: it's all pointless.

so yeah, here's my new site featuring not only my music, but my photographs, writing and eventually my ramen consumption in the form of an interactive map.