#012

4/6/25

it’s always something, but lately it’s softer, and somehow more solidified than ever before.

certain things are resonating that excite me to no end. the idea that maybe i am totally off the deep end - maybe that’s too on the nose. i feel good about the photoshoot and proud i walked into the water even if i didn’t totally submerge the way i had been quietly planning. it’s just that when that big wave hit, a shock ran through my body and i needed to turn away. i felt a very brief feeling of fear, immediately followed by a kind of euphoric sensation and despite being in wet boxers and a cold metal-laden corset, i couldn’t feel the temperature or brisk wind chill like before. i had a cigarette by where we parked my car. i was fully buzzing - felt like i had taken drugs even.

i knew we had everything we needed. i felt a complete confidence and trust in everything and everyone around me.

we made the vision real - in a way, the lore became real too.

completely taken by this entire experience. feels like dreams coming true and it all feels so much more real than the shit i had convinced myself as “the dream.” no, this part of it all is actual magic work - spirit work - energetic work. this is what’s required to then pass the sensation along to anyone willing to listen, interested in witnessing, open to participating.

i cringe thinking of that fader article now. i wasn’t searching for “cool” and my confusion was based in being fully aware of how subjective that is. i was searching for meaning - and that can only be found in the Work.

#011

robe & boxers listening to synthwave, face done up even though there’s no way i’m leaving this apartment tonight.

about to do a reading for myself, stoned & alone - with perfume on.

i don’t know what this next phase is, but i mentioned something about “calcified confidence” to a friend of mine last weekend. i feel so deeply that i just finished the best art project i have ever made.

i’ve been in hiding for months, if not years. it feels like my move to philly was in anticipation of this. it probably isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s so mine. no one else could make this except for me. and something about that feels like the “enlightenment” i thought i was experiencing two summers ago.

the constant comparison has been quieting down in the last few weeks. even though i feel like i’m still very much in the process of discovering myself (this is maybe a forever thing for me), i’m experiencing the fleeting sensation of getting as close as ever.

i know what this is, i have definitely been somewhere like this before - and i know it doesn’t last forever.

but it feels so fucking good right now.

#010

i know you read this thing.

it’s been a few months since i sat down to make sense of this feeling. the EP is out, and it felt very pointed - exactly in the way i wanted it to be. i’m so proud of those songs, and frankly needed to make them to get into this new phase. i wrote a lot about feeling like i was at the nexus of some sort of creative enlightenment last summer. and i now know that i was. everything has shifted for me mentally and spiritually, and i needed to use this last EP to let out the remnants of past resentment.

and i really feel i’m past it now. soaring past it, even. when everything in this world seems to continue to fucking crumble, it couldn’t be more clear that i was focused on all the wrong things - whether by my own machinations or influence from the people i kept around me. maybe their machinations, but i love to lean into the nuance! and refuse to paint things as good or bad these days. it all just… is.

and so it will be! and that’s the “wave” i’ve been on the last few months. that’s what i’m ready and interested in exploring further. that’s what’s keeping me from complete and total despair.

i recently hired on a couple new team members, and my label .wavcave is back for releases and popups and community. i wilt, i return to roots, i hope to grow again.

lately, i’ve been taking particular note of the times i see an artist i admire doing things online that i just know deep in my spirit they feel they need to do. it doesn’t feel intentional. it doesn’t feel thoughtful. and maybe worst of all? it isn’t even fucking working. so i take note of that. why does this seem like such a reach? what do i think their goal was? why didn’t they achieve it? how could they have done it differently?

i go back and forth between wishing i could remove myself completely from the systems in place that artists feel they need to participate in to be able to make a living doing the thing they love so deeply, and giving in to the social media checklist. lately, i have been trying to take the time to think about it further. maybe there is an alternative? you can still use the internet as a tool, but you need to get more creative about how you use it. everything should feel part of the art. the memes and templates will not leave a lasting impression in someone’s heart or mind. how do you use your access to people’s attention in a way that not only feels genuine and true, but works to excite and inspire?

i keep joking i should be getting paid for creative consultations. i think i’ll use myself as a case study.

excited for what’s to come.

#009

sometimes you need to step outside in 40 degree (fahrenheit) weather in your boxers and smoke half a cigarette, looking at the way sunlight pierces through your neighbors’ windows in the early afternoon-

to snap out of it.

the dopamine rush i used to get from likes after posting something a little cheeky online is no longer feeling very good. somehow, it feels much worse than posting nothing at all.

the artist social media discourse is so boring, and frankly futile to me. it’s why i started the “field notes” and “readme” pages on this site. posting and scrolling on those platforms does something sinister to my brain.

i know i’m not alone in this. and yet, i forget each time i log on.

listening to hiroshi yoshimura in my headphones while i type this. i just received an email notification that my next single is scheduled for release a month from now.

i’ve been thinking so much about my future lately. feeling embarrassed at the thought of playing some game to maintain relevancy as each year passes. feeling silly about the occasional cheeky post reminding people (who exactly?) that i’m still in my studio listening to music i love and making music i love. showing them (who again?) moving bodies on the dance floors i dj for, proving that my work can equate to ticket and liquor sales.

what does it mean to be a fan of someone’s art now? is it engaging in a parasocial relationship with them? buying music and merch? going to shows? patiently waiting for each new release?

what happens when we are without money or attention to give to art?

when is the last time you let yourself discover and support something new? are you even able to?

i’m asking myself these questions as well.

in just the last year, my relationship to this project (and music in general) has shifted so drastically. i’ve fired some of my team, and hired new team members. i’ve distanced myself from certain friends and artists, and found warmth and closeness in others. even my taste in music has evolved, moving toward something more true to who i am (now). but one thing remains consistent: it feels so good to make music that i enjoy. and for a while, i told myself that all the other sour parts of choosing to make this creative project a business were worth it as long as i could keep experiencing the joy of creating. but what happens when the joy fades? and the people you interact with the most are making money off of something you held so close to you?

i have learned a lot about the music industry since i started releasing music in 2017. but more importantly, i’ve learned a lot about myself. my values, my interests, my boundaries.

when i was throwing parties in brooklyn with my best friend jenny before i had management or agents, before livestreams in tiled bathrooms were social currency, back when we’d spam bar and club bathrooms with physical party flyers - it was never a means to an end. despite the techbro-adjacent stimulant fueled late night brainstorms about it, we did not approach our party series as a business whatsoever. there was no intention “to scale.” the only intention we had was to throw a party we wanted to attend.

when i was in middle school making music in my bedroom that would get burned to exactly one CD so i could hear it in my mom’s car on the way to school, my only intention was to make music i wanted to listen to.

when i bought a $150 beginner pioneer controller in 2015 playing to a handful of friends in my bay ridge living room, my only intention was to mix songs i wanted to dance to.

as thom yorke once sang, “phew for a minute there, i lost myself.”