#015

i thought that maybe if i devoured as much as i could in these feeds, eventually i would feel full.

i knew it was impossible, but i was behaving as though i might scroll my way to the very end.

maybe if i went deep enough, i’d find something i’ve never seen before. imagine the satisfaction of pulling a gem out from the algorithmic mud. to share something sparkling, previously undiscovered because people were too busy (or wise) to waste away their days searching for it.

i recently got into a card game called “magic: the gathering.” i’ve always really enjoyed a deck of cards. when i was a kid, i used to look up card tricks and try my best to convince my family members that i might actually be a mage. when i moved into my first apartment with my two best friends and my first girlfriend, we all became obsessed with tarot. we may have gone a little too far doing a reading the week we moved in, and immediately nailing the cards we pulled to our wall. it was a terrible reading and it was a terrible year. i think we willed the divination into being so long as we lived in that building.

what i really like about magic: the gathering is that it’s a little difficult to learn initially. i had to watch quite a few videos just to understand the pacing of the game. i played online incessantly for months and still felt like i barely understood the “phases” of a turn. and it seems easy enough because the instructions are technically on the card, but after obsessing over this game for about 8 months now, i’m still finding new ways to play. and what i really like about it is that i had to buy physical cards and play against other people before i actually started to feel like i knew what i was doing. playing against friends and strangers during weekly local meetups, all with different decks filled with cards i’d never seen before. i felt like it was the first time in years where in order to do this silly, fun thing, i had to actually use my brain to think and strategize. it felt really good to be so fixated on strategy for an actual game, instead fixating on strategies for this game of music industry that i think i got tricked into playing.

i imagine you’re sick of all roads leading back to capitalism, but it feels so inescapable lately.

if i’m not careful, my leisure time is disappeared by the phone in my hand. i am so much happier when i ignore my responsibilities and play a physical card game or get lost making inaccessible music, but i am too strapped to this device that keeps trying to convince me it knows what i need. i am embarrassed by the frequent moments when i forget that it is not actually trying to help me at all.

but, back to magic. it also felt like the first time in years where i was genuinely experiencing something novel. seeing 100-card decks built by strangers used to play a game with three decades worth of lore attached gave me the sensation that i hoped i might get at the bottom of the feeds. it triggered my curiosity and inspired me to learn more about the game. it made me want to build my own decks (i’ve built four in the last few months). i found myself entranced by the vintage art on the older cards. all this real life stimulus snuck its way into the work i was making. suddenly my collaborators and i were creating extensive lore for the music and the visuals and the merch. this card game showed me so much about world building. i wanted my fans to feel how mtg made me feel when they dove into my catalog.

for the past several months, i kept asking myself “how does this all translate to social media platforms?” and the more i struggle with that question, the more i think it just doesn’t. i think i’d prefer to focus on the physical, more tangible parts of it all, and maybe i can breadcrumb some of these feelings through 15 second tiktoks or photo dumps, but you can’t really feel it unless you experience it in full. headphones on, listening to the entirety of a song. maybe even listening more than once. maybe even listening on a beach, in a club, or a military fort turned festival. maybe you and i could listen and dance together. that would be the best way to experience it, if it were up to me.

but ultimately it’s up to you.

as much as dance floors are now flooded with phone screens all pointed toward the booth, i know of a few places and parties i can go where the main intention is to move bodies and spend time with friends. i know people who aren’t afraid to put in sweat and money they hardly have to create that space for other people to experience. to remind people that something exists beyond the familiar blue light.

the next song i’m releasing this friday ‘big smile’ is meant to be heard with other people, dancing together. i love it on headphones too, it’s got some reflective moments that can be enjoyed alone for sure. but it is absolutely meant for a group, and it’s meant to be felt in your chest.

maybe we can experience it together, in person, sans screens, soon.

#014

blew it up, i guess i don’t
have self-control

life imitates art or something like that. i’ve been feeling very reactive lately.

re·ac·tive
/rēˈaktiv/
adjective

1. showing a response to a stimulus.

   "pupils are reactive to light"

   • acting in response to a situation rather than creating or controlling it.

     "a proactive rather than a reactive approach"

   • having a tendency to react chemically.

     "nitrogen dioxide is a highly reactive gas"

when i say i’ve been feeling very reactive lately, i mean i am acting in response to situations rather than creating or controlling them. i feel compelled to respond. and the compulsion oftentimes feels chemical to me - my heart rate increases, my hands shake, i can feel my face get flushed. i’m not seeing red necessarily, but i am definitely turning red. something deep within me is physically stirring, it is an anxious emotional eruption. one might say, i am triggered.

i just need to take a breath. i need to touch some grass. maybe if i boil a pot of water, let some herbal tea steep, light some incense, and put that floating points and pharoah sanders record on, the one featuring the london symphony orchestra, surely i’ll feel better. maybe if i listen to some floating points. floating points. that’s right, they’re playing boiler room in new york… damn yeah, boiler room. sucks that they got acquired by kkr. kkr’s that global investment firm which according to a quick look at wikipedia, is the largest stakeholder in the conglomerate that offers housing spaces in territories belonging to the state of palestine, investor in israeli cybersecurity companies, weapons manufacturers and companies that are dedicated to purchasing data. kkr is also a major investor in axel springer, which owns yad2, an israeli classified ad site, which runs ads for developments in the occupied territories. it’s that one. they acquired a company called superstruct entertainment, which owns boiler room. any profits made from those high energy 360 dj sets get funneled back up to those investors, the ones investing in a genocide.

i’m turning red again. damn, i wish we could all just focus on the music. it’s supposed to be about the music! there are so many evil companies out there, ya know? maybe i’ll just listen to an ambient playlist on spotify.

oh yeah, spotify. the music streaming platform that pays me cents for hundreds of thousands of streams. the one that effectively destroyed the music journalism ecosystem pushing the discovery of new artists and bands, replacing thoughtfully written features and reviews with curated “editorial” playlists… the same playlists that became so successful that now people willingly let AI decide what songs to play next for them. and at this rate, that queue might be filled with AI-generated music too. damn yeah, spotify. the company who has that ceo… daniel ek. the guy who is also now the chairman of helsing, a defense technology startup. helsing sells software that uses artificial intelligence technology to analyze large amounts of sensor and weapons system data from the battlefield to inform military decisions in real time. last year, helsing began manufacturing its own line of military drones.

my heart rate is increasing.

for the record, i canceled my subscription to spotify a year ago.

that compulsion, the sensation of it - it’s getting harder and harder to pacify. the breath-work and chamomile tea aren’t really working for me anymore. i’m the type of person that fixates on the things that elicit this emotional trigger. in 2011, a tornado hit my house while i was in it. it was and still is the most traumatic event i’ve ever experienced. i became an expert in weather forecasting for years to come. i checked the weather nonstop. over a decade later, when i notice the clouds looking a certain way, i still immediately check my phone for my many programmed weather alerts. i feel compelled to deeply understand the things i’m up against.

lately, i’ve been fixating on cognitive dissonance.

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance
/ˈkäɡnədiv ˈdisənəns/
noun

psychology

noun: cognitive dissonance

1. the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

cognitive dissonance is described as a mental phenomenon in which people unknowingly hold fundamentally conflicting cognitions. it is sometimes referred to as a mental discomfort that results from holding conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes.

i’ve been simultaneously fascinated and disturbed by the way people can so easily say they believe in one thing, and act in ways that make it really clear they believe in something else entirely - in a way that directly clashes with how they hope to be perceived. i’ve been observing this mental phenomenon so frequently lately among strangers on the internet and even in people i consider peers or colleagues of mine. noticing it so often that it’s a constant topic of conversation in my home, because i cannot shake wanting to better understand it. strongly feeling the urge to become close to this thing that i think i might be up against.

i’ve been mouthing off to people i hardly know, sending lengthy voice notes to friends, posting grating instagram stories suggesting that “clout-hungry brain worms have infested some of your skulls.” i’ve been unfollowing profiles, deleting contacts, shaming the inconsistencies. some might say, i’m crashing out.

did you know the merriam-webster dictionary has an official definition for “CRASHING OUT?”

to CRASH OUT is to become suddenly, uncontrollably angry or distressed.

the reactivity that was once a response to a situation now becomes a stimulus. an ouroboros of frustration and disappointment.

all because i didn’t have a little self-control?

but is forcing myself not to react to something that bums me the fuck out really “self-control?” it definitely feels like a type of “control,” but there’s no way it’s coming from the “self” if i’m actively fighting against an intensely emotional response within me. if “crashing out” is just allowing myself the space to express how i actually feel when the feelings may not be positive, then yeah bro i’m fucking crashing out. and may the bridges i burn light the blunt, or whatever the saying is.

i know it is very common in the dance music and dj space for people to push false positivity, convincing their peers and fans that the music is meant to be an escape.

mu·sic
/ˈmyo͞ozik/
noun

1. vocal or instrumental sounds (or both) combined in such a way as to produce beauty of form, harmony, and expression of emotion.

   "couples were dancing to the music"

ex·pres·sion
/ikˈspreSHən,ekˈspreSHən/
noun

1. the process of making known one's thoughts or feelings.

   "she accepted his expressions of sympathy"

music is an expression of emotion. expression requires an understanding of your own thoughts and feelings well enough to make them known. a song can transport you into a different emotional state, but “escape” is not an emotion.

i make “dance” music, but i love when my music makes people feel things - nostalgic, introspective, horny (ideally all three in one song)! sometimes the introspective bits conjure up other feelings that aren’t necessarily positive, but that’s okay because feeling a range of emotions is part of our humanity. finding creative ways to express those feelings - turns out that’s art.

i recently read jia tolentino’s new yorker piece, “my brain finally broke.” she somehow beautifully expresses what it feels like to be alive (and thus online) lately. after a few paragraphs about how “the phone eats time; it makes us live the way people do inside a casino, dropping a blackout curtain over the windows to block out the world, except the blackout curtain is a screen, showing too much of the world, too quickly,” she naturally brings up the many atrocities happening recently, and the ways we are succumbing to defeat.

“There has been real resistance directed at forcing an end to this unbearable situation: people have marched, written letters, harangued politicians, occupied buildings, blocked highways, got arrested, set themselves on fire. At some point in my own tame letter writing, it occurred to me that I didn’t expect a single word to meaningfully reach a human being. My senator’s office finally sent me a form letter this past December, telling me that Israel’s goal was to “minimize the loss of innocent Palestinian lives and maximize the amount of humanitarian aid to innocent civilians in Gaza.” (Immediately after October 7th, Israeli authorities publicly called for a “complete siege” on the “human animals” in Gaza, and for the total cutoff of electricity, water, and fuel; Israel has repeatedly damaged infrastructure in Gaza and blocked humanitarian aid.) A chill sets in at some point, then a grimness, then a detachment. I kept writing, but it felt like a ritualistic impulse, or like throwing coins into a fountain when I was a child.”

she eventually wraps up the piece after touching on the way AI is distorting our concepts of reality:

“The image appeared on my feed in the midst of a bunch of bullshit, and then I refreshed. And, as intended, it disappeared.”

when i read her article two months ago, i remember feeling comfort in knowing that i wasn’t alone in my defeat and dissociation. i can’t be sure if it’s the sun’s heat persuading me to be outside with people in real actual life or if it’s the way a self-proclaimed democratic socialist won the NYC mayoral primary with the most total votes in history, but something within me has changed since then. i don’t think simply reaching an awareness of what’s going on externally vs internally is enough anymore. if we are all so “aware” of a permeating hopelessness, then what exactly do we have to lose? we already know the promise is false, so why aren’t we standing for anything? at the very least standing for our own beliefs?

it’s more clear than ever to me that small actions compound, and i think a defeatist attitude from someone we consider a peer may actually be more harmful to progress than the people actively working against us. we can’t keep chasing an overton window, we need to stand firm in what we believe in for more than a week. and yes, there’s a lot to keep track of! there’s shit going on that none of us are talking about. there’s shit going on in our own country, our own cities, our own lives. all of that can be true at once and it doesn’t mean you have to stand for nothing.

maybe i’m misplacing my creativity when i’m “crashing out” online. maybe the “self-control” isn’t pretending everything is normal when it absolutely is not, instead it might just mean re-directing the compulsion and focus toward truly understanding my own thoughts and beliefs, so i can meaningfully engage in ways that may help other people to know exactly where they stand too. i have control over the intention i bring to difficult conversations, my creative work and through movement on shared dance-floors, and i also have control over when to set a boundary for my own well being.

sometimes when i let an emotion overcome me until i am compelled to act on it, i feel like i’m violently thrashing around. an anxiety grows twisted roots in my brain, it scares me when i consider i may need to go in there and pull them apart. now, i know when i have to and as any decent dj knows, there is no release without tension.

blew it up, i guess i don’t
have self-control

#013

the artist interview trap

yesterday, i was Rotting Online as i tend to often do when home alone. i came across a front-facing camera video of a music journalist who writes for billboard. the hook was “music journalists’ #1 pet peeve,” and she revealed it was when an artist describes a new release as “the most vulnerable they’ve ever been” or “extremely personal.” in the moment, i had no problem agreeing with her. those sorts of explanations of the work are vague, and it’s much easier to write a journalistic piece when the artist is able to more thoughtfully express their intentions beyond simply relating it to how true it is to them (relative to past work).

i’m in the midst of rolling out quite a bit of new music, with the first single releasing tomorrow. my mind is fully consumed by how to express the process of putting all this work together, chasing the seed of a concept, letting myself steep in the feeling, allowing that internal flow to lead each session, patch-working the ideas that further push and grow that conceptual seed, collaborating with artist friends to translate these ideas and sounds into visuals, photos, illustrations, physical items, constantly returning to that initial seed to check if what i grew matches with what i initially planted. my mind is fully consumed by how to express all of that in a sentence, maybe even a few - if the character count allows.

the problem with this journalistic problem is that it requires people to actually engage with the work. it requires the artist to further engage with their work beyond the initial expression, it requires the journalist to engage with the artists’ work on a deeper level than an interview, it requires the listener to engage with the artists’ work so they can place the new release relative to previous works. if everyone further engages with the work and the artist is genuine in their “vulnerability,” it should be very clear just from listening to the music what they mean when they say it is “extremely personal.”

i believe that art is an expression of what a person can’t just explicitly say out loud - that’s the point. whether the work is an attempt to know the unknown or tell a story the artist isn’t ready to tell in a straightforward way, it is meant to be the vehicle of that expression, so inherently, it probably isn’t very easy to simply put into words what the intention of the work is. some of my favorite conversations with artists about their work devolve into long tangents for this very reason. it’s extremely challenging and requires another kind of creative skillset to wrap it up with a bow for an easy headline, especially when it’s personal. one might argue that is precisely the work of a music journalist.

ultimately, this isn’t a jab at that billboard writer at all. and despite everything i just said, i do think it is important for an artist to be able to get to that place of expressing in words what their work means. the actual problem is the rate at which art is consumed and dismissed. no one has ample time to think or engage with art on a meaningful level when we’re all rushing to be seen, just to be scrolled past.

well if you’re still reading, maybe you’re the change we all seek. and my first official single release in two years drops tomorrow. it’s called “let’s get used” and it’s actually extremely straightforward, but something i felt i couldn’t explicitly discuss at the time i wrote it. it’s about going on tour with my girlfriend who is also a musician, and observing the way each of our management / agency teams were willing to pit us against each other for their own gain.

and we still fucking did it anyway.

pre-save: https://found.ee/qrtr_letsgetused

#012

#011

robe & boxers listening to synthwave, face done up even though there’s no way i’m leaving this apartment tonight.

about to do a reading for myself, stoned & alone - with perfume on.

i don’t know what this next phase is, but i mentioned something about “calcified confidence” to a friend of mine last weekend. i feel so deeply that i just finished the best art project i have ever made.

i’ve been in hiding for months, if not years. it feels like my move to philly was in anticipation of this. it probably isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s so mine. no one else could make this except for me. and something about that feels like the “enlightenment” i thought i was experiencing two summers ago.

the constant comparison has been quieting down in the last few weeks. even though i feel like i’m still very much in the process of discovering myself (this is maybe a forever thing for me), i’m experiencing the fleeting sensation of getting as close as ever.

i know what this is, i have definitely been somewhere like this before - and i know it doesn’t last forever.

but it feels so fucking good right now.

#010

i know you read this thing.

it’s been a few months since i sat down to make sense of this feeling. the EP is out, and it felt very pointed - exactly in the way i wanted it to be. i’m so proud of those songs, and frankly needed to make them to get into this new phase. i wrote a lot about feeling like i was at the nexus of some sort of creative enlightenment last summer. and i now know that i was. everything has shifted for me mentally and spiritually, and i needed to use this last EP to let out the remnants of past resentment.

and i really feel i’m past it now. soaring past it, even. when everything in this world seems to continue to fucking crumble, it couldn’t be more clear that i was focused on all the wrong things - whether by my own machinations or influence from the people i kept around me. maybe their machinations, but i love to lean into the nuance! and refuse to paint things as good or bad these days. it all just… is.

and so it will be! and that’s the “wave” i’ve been on the last few months. that’s what i’m ready and interested in exploring further. that’s what’s keeping me from complete and total despair.

i recently hired on a couple new team members, and my label .wavcave is back for releases and popups and community. i wilt, i return to roots, i hope to grow again.

lately, i’ve been taking particular note of the times i see an artist i admire doing things online that i just know deep in my spirit they feel they need to do. it doesn’t feel intentional. it doesn’t feel thoughtful. and maybe worst of all? it isn’t even fucking working. so i take note of that. why does this seem like such a reach? what do i think their goal was? why didn’t they achieve it? how could they have done it differently?

i go back and forth between wishing i could remove myself completely from the systems in place that artists feel they need to participate in to be able to make a living doing the thing they love so deeply, and giving in to the social media checklist. lately, i have been trying to take the time to think about it further. maybe there is an alternative? you can still use the internet as a tool, but you need to get more creative about how you use it. everything should feel part of the art. the memes and templates will not leave a lasting impression in someone’s heart or mind. how do you use your access to people’s attention in a way that not only feels genuine and true, but works to excite and inspire?

i keep joking i should be getting paid for creative consultations. i think i’ll use myself as a case study.

excited for what’s to come.

#009

sometimes you need to step outside in 40 degree (fahrenheit) weather in your boxers and smoke half a cigarette, looking at the way sunlight pierces through your neighbors’ windows in the early afternoon-

to snap out of it.

the dopamine rush i used to get from likes after posting something a little cheeky online is no longer feeling very good. somehow, it feels much worse than posting nothing at all.

the artist social media discourse is so boring, and frankly futile to me. it’s why i started the “field notes” and “readme” pages on this site. posting and scrolling on those platforms does something sinister to my brain.

i know i’m not alone in this. and yet, i forget each time i log on.

listening to hiroshi yoshimura in my headphones while i type this. i just received an email notification that my next single is scheduled for release a month from now.

i’ve been thinking so much about my future lately. feeling embarrassed at the thought of playing some game to maintain relevancy as each year passes. feeling silly about the occasional cheeky post reminding people (who exactly?) that i’m still in my studio listening to music i love and making music i love. showing them (who again?) moving bodies on the dance floors i dj for, proving that my work can equate to ticket and liquor sales.

what does it mean to be a fan of someone’s art now? is it engaging in a parasocial relationship with them? buying music and merch? going to shows? patiently waiting for each new release?

what happens when we are without money or attention to give to art?

when is the last time you let yourself discover and support something new? are you even able to?

i’m asking myself these questions as well.

in just the last year, my relationship to this project (and music in general) has shifted so drastically. i’ve fired some of my team, and hired new team members. i’ve distanced myself from certain friends and artists, and found warmth and closeness in others. even my taste in music has evolved, moving toward something more true to who i am (now). but one thing remains consistent: it feels so good to make music that i enjoy. and for a while, i told myself that all the other sour parts of choosing to make this creative project a business were worth it as long as i could keep experiencing the joy of creating. but what happens when the joy fades? and the people you interact with the most are making money off of something you held so close to you?

i have learned a lot about the music industry since i started releasing music in 2017. but more importantly, i’ve learned a lot about myself. my values, my interests, my boundaries.

when i was throwing parties in brooklyn with my best friend jenny before i had management or agents, before livestreams in tiled bathrooms were social currency, back when we’d spam bar and club bathrooms with physical party flyers - it was never a means to an end. despite the techbro-adjacent stimulant fueled late night brainstorms about it, we did not approach our party series as a business whatsoever. there was no intention “to scale.” the only intention we had was to throw a party we wanted to attend.

when i was in middle school making music in my bedroom that would get burned to exactly one CD so i could hear it in my mom’s car on the way to school, my only intention was to make music i wanted to listen to.

when i bought a $150 beginner pioneer controller in 2015 playing to a handful of friends in my bay ridge living room, my only intention was to mix songs i wanted to dance to.

as thom yorke once sang, “phew for a minute there, i lost myself.”

#008

i feel like this will be a long one.

i’m currently in my studio, noticing sporadic flurries through the window my dried up rosemary plant sits on. i just made myself a cup of coffee in the biggest mug i own - a polished black mug i bought at christmas tree shops in the holyoke, ma mall before moving to my first apartment in alphabet city. listening to ambient works by four tet and daniel avery (note to self: these men are allowed such a wide range and so are you).

i guess that brings me to where i’ve been creatively. a little over a month ago, i decided to stop working with my manager of four years. and although i’ve taken some meetings with new management, i’m kind of relishing in this moment. for the first time in a while, i don’t have a sounding board expressing how my ideas may or may not work on a commercial scale. i’m just living in the ideas. it feels more quiet - and this space devoid of noise is where most of my thoughts stockpile. since my last album released in 2021, it’s felt like i couldn’t find them (aside from a brief glimpse at them late last year that resulted in my music for stealing to EP). but the only reason that EP came to be is because i was in so much pain over a breakup that it felt like if i didn’t release something in that moment i would never recover. that EP was about more than making some “heist” music - it was about escaping something dark and confusing, and feeling like i was the one being stolen from.

i’m wrapping up a new EP this week. and i’m going to start working with some musicians who would like me to produce for them. i’m leaning into collaborations so much more, it gives me a sense of community that i’d been missing since i stopped doing my waxx.fm residency back in 2019.

and i think it’s time to start working on album #3.

AND an ambientkitty album, fuck it.

everyone keeps saying “just give it a year” for this to feel real. maybe i’ve been too fixated on a moving goal post to accept that it is currently very real. i’m typing up a blog post about my feelings at 10AM on a Thursday with no obligations outside of the tasks I’ve assigned for myself this week. it’s real!

i’m moving to a new apartment this month (still in philly, i love it here) and will be moving in with luzana. we’re both really excited about making it a creative space. i’m also very excited about having a yard for gardening in once winter ends. the new spot is a walk away from all the art museums and parks. leveling up in this whole creating an environment that facilitates play/expression thing.

today is my “admin” day where i catch up on a lot of things a manager might otherwise do. i’m actually really well equipped for this sort of thing, considering my former full-time job in post production supervision was a lot of these kinds of tasks. tomorrow is another music day - and i intend to finish this new EP.

i think you’ll all really like it. i’m proud of it and i’m ready to let go of it.