a haiku in a hundred parts

4/24/18

i’ve been trying my best to understand where it comes from
that feeling of panic that overcomes me some mornings
as though there isn’t enough time in the world or enough air in my lungs
to set things right again

i stand outside my office and let the sun burn my face
the wind picks up and i ash my cigarette
daydreaming about a reality in which i don’t go back in

it’s not really about the job anymore, is it?

it’s about people and interactions
it’s about society and systems
it’s about expectations vs resources vs time

it’s about you
vs
you
vs
you

the nuance is in the simplicity of this special feeling
the fear that, deep down, you might already know where you end and begin
but you won’t realize or understand in time for it to ever really matter


floating deep

2/7/18

another day
surreal
and pressing itself into my temples

glazed over
at a desk

calling it what it is
which is

bullshit

listening to my own mixes
remembering that night
that one morning

that turned everything upside down
how it felt like a blessing
to be so close to bliss

and now it haunts me

reminding myself of the things
i tell everyone else when they feel themselves sinking
and yet,
clarity
only comes spilling in
when i’m already soaked in light


in retrospect

levels
every action
reaction
etc
etc

climbing a ladder to higher consciousness
trying to gain knowledge
insight
euphoria
etc
et

i remember the feeling
one person controlling an entire field of bodies
a mass of minds moving together like liquid
they all reflected the thoughts connected to the hands pulling strings/turning knobs
much like the ocean reflects the sky

and i thought: i would like to be the sky

you can find me buried in smoke (or something)

11/29/17 - a poem

is this paranoia part of me or partly me
addicted to reconfiguring myself
so i can’t stop pulling myself apart

i wonder who i am and what makes me
every minute of the day
until an echo chamber takes shape in my mind
churning back and forth the idea of
“what this is”

calling upon every version of myself
chasing each other from door to door
traces of my selves smudge the corner of the frame
and they find each other
to rebuild my self

upon reaching whatever destination they desperately journey to

constantly

 

zzz

rebrand #003

i know third time isn't a charm with these things. i'm sure in just a few months, i'll take a look at all of this and think it's either too much or too little and wish i could tear it all down and start over again and maybe i will, but i likely won't - i'll just change my logo and update my website and release a new song and take down some old ones and suddenly i am a brand new artist. or something like that. 

please don't misinterpret this. i don't think evolving a project is pointless because if i really felt that way, i wouldn't start any art projects to begin with. what i do think is pointless is the notion that i should pigeonhole myself into a specific style or branding or genre or hashtag. banking on any project blowing up is silly, so why follow a formula that isn't even 100%? i had a really interesting discussion with a couple music producers via a fb group chat about streaming services and playlist curators being the gatekeepers of "emerging" talent. it is nearly impossible to keep up, to follow formula, to "succeed," when the ways in which a musician can succeed are constantly changing and evolving with new technology and growing audiences/users. formulas do exist, actually. in the form of algorithms. you can wait to get lucky and blow all your cash into marketing your product. you can watch other "budding" producers and try to trace their every step hoping you'll end up on a similar path. the whole cookie cutter thing might work in some way, but you will likely find yourself stuck and unable to change course. if all your life you've depended on creative outlets to express yourself to remain sane and satisfied, then you absolutely must know that you will not be genuinely happy or fulfilled by attempting to clone other artists' paths and creations. if all you care about is a check, you won't be getting any checks for surface level art unless you're cutting other people checks to get there in the first place. 

anyway, the fact is you need to create something or you'll go absolutely mad. so make that thing and fuck the algorithm. build an experience and build a community. if it is coming from somewhere real, people will catch on. maybe not as fast as you'd like, but if you're that impatient about the success of a project, you likely don't really care about the project itself anyway.

take joy in what you're working on and toward, simultaneously.
otherwise, yes: it's all pointless.

so yeah, here's my new site featuring not only my music, but my photographs, writing and eventually my ramen consumption in the form of an interactive map.

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