i’m here again
eyes glazed over a cup of mediocre coffee
free, next to the assortment of teas
(stay AWAKE, feel ZEN)
i keep opening up my texts, 1 unread badge leading to nowhere
i think i’ve read them all? over and over again?
i have convinced myself i’ve been feeling the effects of PMS
for three weeks,
though i’m sure that’s not how menstrual cycles work
i have been working, i think?
sending emails and taking calls
reassuring multiple parties that everything is handled
that it’s all under control
i’d love to hire someone like me
to do that for me
but i learned these techniques and strategies
by being scolded for being realistic
for telling the truth
and being reasonably frustrated
part of my job is to pretend everything is okay
when it isn’t
this job is like that
and my other job is in a lot of ways
also like that
i’ve never liked working
even if i’m quite good at it
my old boss called me a workhorse
used to say i “knew where everything was buried”
i don’t want to keep track of skeletons
i want to bloom incessantly
even when the world is wilting
i’m sick of desire
i don’t want to want anything
i want to breathe in something soft
