i desire to be in a constant state of flow. to cut through the fog of my mind and make something of its materials. to draw in color.
i sat down to write and began listening to an album titled "olive branch" by _w/o_, the project of ivy kuliak, a chicago-based synthesist and sound artist. the album is a live recording from transcendent frequencies at nabala cafe on may 8, 2026. i found myself drawing a blank once i opened up this document, but the ambient synths of this album began and i was surely drifting into the sensation i am always craving. a spark of inspiration. when suddenly certain notes began to ring dissonant in my ears, and i lost my mental place. somehow this live performance is encapsulating what it has felt to push through this most recent creative block. to attempt to push, at least. i find a thread, i begin to pull, only to lose it again. therapy speaking my way out of the guilt i feel for not being able to access myself.
i think there are some themes to explore that i haven't yet. shame, anger, resentment. i think diving into these motifs may heal something in me, but i am afraid to submerge in what i desperately would like to avoid. the older i get, the more difficult (but necessary) it is to fight the embarrassment i feel to be actually vulnerable. it has been easier for me to dress it all up in something lighter and cooler than what i really am. i am always holding back, just enough, always yearning for that state of flow: a true release.
i've been wanting it so badly, i'm consumed by impatience. i start to wonder if this is the feeling to begin picking apart. maybe this is exactly what i need to unravel.
or do i do what all the tarot girls in my endless scroll have been telling me? to rest? to lock in? is it the tarot girls or the feed? is it a sponsored post or a projection of my psyche?
i am wading in the uncertainty again, but i swear i can swim.
