#012

4/6/25

it’s always something, but lately it’s softer, and somehow more solidified than ever before.

certain things are resonating that excite me to no end. the idea that maybe i am totally off the deep end - maybe that’s too on the nose. i feel good about the photoshoot and proud i walked into the water even if i didn’t totally submerge the way i had been quietly planning. it’s just that when that big wave hit, a shock ran through my body and i needed to turn away. i felt a very brief feeling of fear, immediately followed by a kind of euphoric sensation and despite being in wet boxers and a cold metal-laden corset, i couldn’t feel the temperature or brisk wind chill like before. i had a cigarette by where we parked my car. i was fully buzzing - felt like i had taken drugs even.

i knew we had everything we needed. i felt a complete confidence and trust in everything and everyone around me.

we made the vision real - in a way, the lore became real too.

completely taken by this entire experience. feels like dreams coming true and it all feels so much more real than the shit i had convinced myself as “the dream.” no, this part of it all is actual magic work - spirit work - energetic work. this is what’s required to then pass the sensation along to anyone willing to listen, interested in witnessing, open to participating.

i cringe thinking of that fader article now. i wasn’t searching for “cool” and my confusion was based in being fully aware of how subjective that is. i was searching for meaning - and that can only be found in the Work.

#011

robe & boxers listening to synthwave, face done up even though there’s no way i’m leaving this apartment tonight.

about to do a reading for myself, stoned & alone - with perfume on.

i don’t know what this next phase is, but i mentioned something about “calcified confidence” to a friend of mine last weekend. i feel so deeply that i just finished the best art project i have ever made.

i’ve been in hiding for months, if not years. it feels like my move to philly was in anticipation of this. it probably isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s so mine. no one else could make this except for me. and something about that feels like the “enlightenment” i thought i was experiencing two summers ago.

the constant comparison has been quieting down in the last few weeks. even though i feel like i’m still very much in the process of discovering myself (this is maybe a forever thing for me), i’m experiencing the fleeting sensation of getting as close as ever.

i know what this is, i have definitely been somewhere like this before - and i know it doesn’t last forever.

but it feels so fucking good right now.